"There She Goes Again..."

It has taken me a few weeks to respond to this... but I did not want to be too hasty in my words, lest I be hurtful, nor did I want to diminish the tremendous effects your words and your "dumping" me as your friend have had on me (each reaction is very different, I assure you). I am writing today in order to allow myself closure and it is obviously your choice to either read on or completely discard what I have to say.

I am not sure if you are firm in your decision to not be friends any longer. First, you tell me (for lack of better phrasing) that you’d rather not be friends with the likes of me, then you tell me of your love and of your heartbreak, and then you invite me back into the fray to share an activity which was very much one which we enjoyed together (and which I have fond memories of doing, sometimes only with you). I do have to say that I am a bit confused by this … but, regardless, I do thank you from the bottom of my misshapen heart, for sharing your kindness, your heart, and your thoughts with me in the years of our knowing each other, and in your recent message. (It has been about ten years or so (maybe more) that we have known each other --- did you know that?)

Anyhow … I feel the need to get out a response to you, telling you, also, of what I have been feeling and thinking since first receiving your words cutting me out of your life and denying me any further connection. I think in order for me to heal from the pain of losing your friendship so abruptly, I need to get my thoughts and feelings out. You do not need to respond, unless you would like… but I find the "knowing why" makes it easier to take the "dumping" a little easier, on my part. Perhaps you will feel clearer (or not) about your decision to disconnect from me? I don’t know. So let’s see…

I am very hurt that you so clearly were bothered by what you learned about me (about my indiscretion and my apparent imperfection), but yet you chose not to talk to me about it and, instead, waited until a good amount of time had past and I had reached out to reconnect with you. The blow has hurt me to my core. A lot has happened in my life since we last spoke and I had greatly missed my friend. Had my life not literally been turned upside down after my daughters so tragically lost their father, I would probably have reached out sooner. I have always missed our connection in the times we have been lost to one another. But I had always had faith that we would forever be connected, in our own times, and as we needed one another. I apparently needed you more than you needed me.

I had tried before to reconnect with you through dance lessons (something you quite enjoy), but the strain of the activity and the time it was taking out of my life was causing problems in my personal life and so I had to discontinue. Perhaps I should have told you what was going on when that happened. And then, as it happens, life kept us from being connected . . .

And somewhere since last we spoke and until just recently when I reached out again to you, you had (unbeknownst to me) hardened your heart toward me. And for the reasons you shared, I can’t help but understand why, though this does not lessen the ache. I ache from your disappointment, my disappointment in myself, and my disappointment in our failed friendship.

I can only say that I am truly sorry that you have been hurt and disappointed in me and my actions. You are my friend and I have loved you as such (and at times, as more) for a long time, and I am sorry that I have caused you any pain. And I’m sorry, too, that learning a little more about my heart caused you to see me in a much different light. I will not apologize, however, for being myself, for sharing myself with you, for caring about you, for loving you, or for loving others.

Sometimes mistakes have to be made, consequences revealed, and the experiences analyzed in retrospect, before a person can find their way to the “good and righteous path”. I am no saint. I am only a woman. I am not perfect. Even Mary Magdalene was forgiven her sinful ways. And while I know you know this to be true, I think that the proverbial straw was your knowing the extent of my imperfection. I love a man who is married to another, and he loves me in return. Circumstances and choices have kept us from sharing our lives, but has not quit our love. That our love brought us together physically, I will not belabor explanation any further.

But I am, however, confused as to how your knowing of this affects our ability to be friends. I have been indiscreet with a man who is married, whilst in a relationship with another. I have coveted what I cannot have and have broken society’s rules where carnal intimacy is concerned. But I don’t feel that love is a crime, nor that it is a sin.

Perhaps your feelings are something you could have talked to me about? Perhaps you could have counseled me on why my actions are perceived as “wrong” to you before you decided that I was no longer “good enough” to remain your friend? Don’t you think I value your input? Don’t you know that I regard your opinions highly and that I would hear you if you talked to me about what I have done, about things you can’t stand to know are being done by people you hold in such high regard? Don’t you think I would have benefitted from your insight, and perhaps you might have learned something from you talking this out with me?

I feel slightly cheated, as I did not feel you to be close-minded person before … I think our friendship might have grown had you talked to me before rashly determining me to be less than worthy of your amity.

While I personally have had people come into and out of my life at various times, I cannot say that I’ve ever felt the need to clearly nor definitively cut someone out of my life. And I've never truly sorted with people who have been a danger to me, so there's been no fear in that regard. People who "need not" be in my life have naturally left my life as life has naturally progressed. I value every friendship and relationship that I have had in my life, regardless of whether they were toxic at some point, whether the relationship caused me hurt or pleasure, or whether I agreed or disagreed with the other’s life choices, beliefs or other issues. I have – sometimes to my own detriment but sometimes also for the good of the other person – continued relationships which others would have walked away from, all because I believe firmly that this life is the one in which you are tested. And where I have tested myself, I have also been around to see others through their tests.

I believe that no man or woman is an island, and that each of us are put on Earth by a higher power to help one another through life and through all the trials we face during this existence. I believe that we are all helpmates to one another. In this belief, I have also taught myself that it is not my place to lay judgment on others, but rather to help. Even if it’s just lending an ear to bend, or a few dollars to help out, or giving my time to causes to help a greater good than my own --- there is nothing more righteous than the giving of myself to others. And sometimes that means I must give up my opinions, let go of my discomfort, and allow others to make their own mistakes. Wouldn’t it be wrong for me to not be around to help someone work through the trials of their life, just because I don’t agree with their choices? I know it is not a common practice among humankind to refrain from judgment, withhold opinions, or accept imperfection in others, but I try to practice this everyday and would only hope that others can do the same. It’s the most honest form of loving that I can give to my fellow man; I can only hope that others will learn to be able to love me equally in return.

To say that your love can’t count for much is discounting how much your love has meant to me in my life. However passing our friendship has been, however little we have known of each other “on the inside”, however few the special moments we have shared, you were always counted among my truest of friends. You have been one of the kindest, the sweetest, and the most patient people I have held close to my heart. It was one of the purest connections I have had with anyone – free from expectations, free from impure thought, free from judgment (or so I once thought). And I dare say that there was once a time when I returned the adoration that I perceive you once felt for me. As with other missed opportunities in my life, you will be counted in the “what if / if only / I wonder” category in retrospection.

So now, too, your disappointment, in some ways, equals the disappointment I also currently feel from your telling me that I am not wanted in your life as your friend. I once thought of you as a kindred spirit, one who was kind and accepting of others faults, knowing that there is good in everyone… but the blow of your plain expression of disapproval and statement of retracting your hand in friendship is one I never would have expected from you. I am heartbroken and sad for the loss of a friend over my love for another.

But, with all this said, I am also respectful of your decision. If my hurt has caused you such pain as for you to need to maintain a distance from me, then so be it. I will not contradict your wishes. I will miss you. I will miss your caring. I will miss your kindness. And I will miss our friendship. I will always love and care for you. And I will always hurt for what might have been.

Be well – I love you.